it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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