I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
