Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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