I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I need moral support for this bender
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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