imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.