i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
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The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot