Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.