mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..