I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
