yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
