I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
