Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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