We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
