I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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