After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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