I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
