I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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