i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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