good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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