Im at strip club and am horny
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
