I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
