Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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