the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
