Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
