I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
