oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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