If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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