I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
im holly from the hills drunk
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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