I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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