please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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