Whod you bang
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
