soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
