Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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