I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
