Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am one with the molecules
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
