You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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