The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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