I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
