You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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