went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
