I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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