No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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