I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
