I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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