margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
where are my eyebrows?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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