when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
