Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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