You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
