After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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