He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
