i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
