I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
