That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
