Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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