Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
