My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
