I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
