Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Need sex. Gaining weight.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
