The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
