Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
