So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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