I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
