Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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