I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
