So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
