She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
