the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
